Today marks two months since my mother passed away and with every passing day I am walking deeper into the reality of living without her physical presence. It is tough. Mom had an immense influence in my life and our relationship was one of the healthy influences in my life.
Her everyday wisdom and rooted stability grounded me in ways that I understand more visceral through her absence. Memories of my mother are seared into the physical geography of Johannesburg. Earlier this week I walked pass the place where I told mom that I “accepted Jesus.” She smiled and responded that she prayed for this moment for the last sixteen years and then bought me a milkshake. Memories like these re-story my surroundings into flashbacks that open up deep memories of mom. I walk through memories and I’m filled with mixed emotions of grief and thanks. My experience is beautifully described by Meghan O’Rourke in her memoir “The Long Goodbye”,
“When we are learning the world, we know things we cannot say how we know. When we are relearning the world in the aftermath of a loss, we feel things we had almost forgotten, old things, beneath the seat of reason.”